Love is a Choice

Having a mother slowly fading away in a nursing home because of her chemical addictions can be very emotional and stressful. I struggle with vacillating between extreme anger and sorrow almost on a week to week basis. Sometimes I go through those complicated roller coaster emotions all on the same day. Those days really suck. On those days I am just trying to survive, and not really thriving all to well.

The hardest part throughout all of it has been trying to forgive myself. I know that sounds strange to some people. They may think, “Well, she should realize that she was innocent in it all and you can’t make someone change.” Well, I can tell myself that and I believe it most of the time on an intellectual basis. Trying to believe it emotionally and psychologically is a totally different story. It will be a long process for me to get there, but I am working on it through lots of therapy and spiritual direction. With my guides and angels helping me, I have no doubt that I will get there someday.  I wrote the following poem trying to navigate through these treacherous feelings, that sometimes threaten to sweep me under. Writing has always been a cathartic process for me. Thank God.

 

I am hemorrhaging

poisonous memories and fears

How much blood-letting

Do I need to endure?

 

All my attempts

to cure you failed.

So what does that say

About me?

I know what it says about you,

Even if you will never see it.

 

I gave you my world.

I bled my hopes and dreams

And desperate desires for you.

Hoping you would

Notice.

Hoping against all hope

You would change

For me.

 

Nothing was enough for you.

And you gave me nothing

In return.

 

I despise what you did

to this family.

I despise how you choose

To not get better.

You had it all…

The world at your fingertips,

Unlike most other addicts.

 

And now your grandkids

Will grow up

not knowing you…

The real you…

Who ever that is.

 

I have tried to paint

Picture perfect portraits

Of who we were together.

I desperately try to hold on

To those illusions

Because if they are not true

Than who am I?

 

The hardest part to all of this,

Is that I still desperately

Love you, and I continue

Looking for you.

Yet, I have loved you and loathed you

for most of my life

In equal measure.

 

You probably wonder why

I never call you.

You think your room

Is the only one without a phone.

I was forced to finally take it out

Because you were calling 911

Almost every day.

So, yet another thing

You made me take away from you.

First  it was your freedom,

 then it was your home

And finally, your phone.

I can still hear your

High pitched, “Hi Honey!”

 

I will continue on

Praying I find my way

Through these stormy

And painful thoughts

And memories.

Hoping to thrive

And not just survive.

 

If  love is a choice,

Then I will still choose it.

Because I know it is

The right thing to do.

You never chose it

For yourself.

 

But it is not to late for me.

 

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2 thoughts on “Love is a Choice

  1. Wow Mary – so beautiful… I am sad for you. I hope you remember all the good times and hold on to them. And you have so much love in your own life; we can’t live someone’s life for them – follow YOUR path. God bless you Mary….. Love, Kelly

  2. Mary, I read this last week and was thinking of you. Wow, a very touching and moving poem. It sounds like you have tired very hard for your Mom, God is working through you…..I’m sure it doesn’t feel fair at all but keep your strong faith, your pain is God’s too.. So hard to understand it and to try to fit the pieces together. Stay strong and keep loving you! Praying for peace for you and your kids. Vicki E

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